Holding onto those words and feelings? Do permanent damage. To you, your friends even your loved ones. It’s kind of the mental scarring that takes time to heal.
But thee is a wrong way and a right way to let them out. Forcing your words and emotions is like sweeping dust under a rug. It will still be there tomorrow and you will need to clean house sooner or later. holding onto all that negativity is both psychologically and physically damaging. Think of it as a balloon, only so much air can go in until *BOOM* Emotion Explosion.
Research has even gone far to say Sickness is caused partly if not wholly because of our emotional state. Cancer has been linked to stress as well as many other conditions both inside and out from repressing our emotions, our true thoughts.
It’s funny, I look back and think to myself ‘If only I’d said this, what I really wanted to say’. I know shoulda woulda coulda. but that doesn’t change the fact that at the time I should have spoken up and in the process saved myself a whole lot of pain and resentment in my life.
But in that moment myself and you are too afraid to have that confrontation. We are too afraid of the consequences of speaking our minds cause we risk sounding needy or seen as a difficult person. For me personally I have always felt the need to pussy foot around people, especially as a woman. I don’t know how any of you feel about this but as a woman when I am being assertive I am viewed as bossy. Or when I make my point known and express myself I have even had the odd comment of ‘You know what she needs’.
All these factors on how society’s views for speaking our minds, being assertive is generally looked down upon. In fact from being children we are told ‘Don’t make a fuss, Don’t be mardy.’ Which is still taught today. why as Brits we still see emotions as a weakness, we are all about the ‘Stiff Upper Lip, pip, pip, what, what!’ But I must get the message across that this mentality is TAUGHT. Children are the most honest creatures on earth. They tell you what they want, how they feel.
So why do we teach not to be straight forward? What is so wrong about being honest about what we need? I mean yes, it is difficult and can be awkward to say what you really want. And yes it’s not good to rant about EVERY little thing on your mind. But it is possible to express yourself in a way that doesn’t reflect on you negatively, make into a conversation not a rant. Now that’s a skill!
1. It’s Not What You Say, It’s The Way That You Say It.
Start by focusing on the way you express yourself this is key in making sure you can release those repressed emotions freely without consequences. It’s common fact that people don’t say how they feel until it’s too late and then when they do they just come pouring out, *BOOM* [remember the Balloon?] When you bottle and build up it is very difficult to stay on track and stay calm, which is why the other person stops listening to you.
2. You Won’t Like Me When I’m Angry.
Yes you are angry. But remember to keep the lid on it. If I came to we swearing and shouting, your instinct would be to block me. It’s natural, someone starts hurling abuse and you don’t listen. There is nothing wrong with showing you are upset, and sure you want to show it, but stops all lines of communication and if you want your issue resolved you need to rethink your approach. For a good way to perfect your technique in communicating in a way that will get results take a look at Marshall Rosenberg’s technique of NVC [non violent communication] he breaks down our methods we use when speaking to someone. These include how we guilt, shame and punish those who have done something wrong. Instead of attacking someone, try explain your feelings, our situation for truly successful results.
3. Feel The Love.
Empathy. Many struggle with this, but at the core of every good person there is a dose of empathy. Don’t accuse people and hurl blame. for example “I can’t believe you ogled that woman’s breasts I hate you!” Try instead telling them how you really feel like “You made me feel really invisible and it hurt my feelings when you paid attention to another woman so openly in front of me.”
Now I’m not saying it will always work. Some things you can’t talk round, can’t talk to a resolution. Sometimes the only thing you can do is let it go. But if you have something to say you should speak up! Like our last post, don’t be afraid to open your communication to you partner or friend, because if you don’t you run the risk of exploding, then you will resent yourself for that and the person you want to listen to you for walking away.